Let me warn a few of you out there. This is what has truely been locked up inside my mind since I was a child so it might offend you or it might not. But whatever this is my blog so this is what I want to post.
Let me start out with this. Life without love is not a life worth living. And I don't mean love from a family; because you will always have that regardless of anything that happens in your life. No the love I am talking about is the love of another person, that person will love you in return, be with you whenever you need them. They will make the shittest days seem not so shitty and they will be the greatest person you will ever have in your life.
Now on to my post. Lately over the past few months I have had a lot of time to do tons of thinking. Over many things. Whether it be the life I have right now and not knowing what I want to do with it. Or the fact that I am very lonely(and no I don't do that thing if that's what you people are thinking). I have gone through my life always on the boot end of someone whether it was my older sisters growing up. Or always having to live up to peoples expectations and having to always do what they want to do to in order not to offend them or shame them at all. Or life in general has always had it's proverbial boot in my ass or on top of me my whole life. In case most of you who don't know, I have chrons disease and also for those who don't know what that means exactly its simply this....https://health.google.com/health/ref/Crohn%27s+disease . I never knew I had the damn thing until around 2002 or 2003. And ever since then it has made my life a living hell, super huge medical bills that my mom or me had to pay off....and when I mean huge I mean huge. It makes eating very hard to do...even with the med's it isn't guaranteed that it will work. And to top that off I can have flare ups at anytime the disease feels like it wants to...it can range from a small little sharp pain to the feeling of your insides being on fire while being stabbed with a poison tipped knife. Also I am going bald at the ripe old age of 25, which is great for me *thumbs up*. Also I still have really bad acne some times when i don't want it...I mean I should be old enough to where this shit should be gone. Growing up as a kid I never had friends, all I had was a NES and myself to be with. So that really didn't help my speech capabilities when I got older hence why I hate being around people and don't want to socialize. To put it plainly I am very shy, can't change it, no doctors or psychiatrists can help either. It's just something I live with day to day. So yippy for me. Also when I'm trying to be funny around people like that just there it's only because that's my self defense for being scared around anyone.
I am currently enrolled at Tennessee Tech Univ. I am still unsure what I want to do, I mean I like a few things here and there but I'm just not sure...and if certain people find out that I don't know what to do then they will freak out. Don't get me wrong I really am glad that I'm back in school, I need to get this shit done and over with so I can get a decent job or something like that. I have always had a hard time with school and being out of school since 2005 does have it's disadvantages. But I am here schooling it up so...at least I am trying.
Most time's my body gets overwhelmed with pain throughout and no type of pain medicine will work. So I try to sleep and find out that doesn't work either so i just usually sit up on my laptop playing solitaire or listening to my ipod until i fall asleep, if that works.. And then when and if I do actually get to sleep I seem to be sleeping longer and longer each time, probably because the lack there of of sleep but, body it's not my fault its yours for being so god damn dumb. Sleeping, it seems, is the only way I don't hurt constantly because as soon as I wake up I'm right back into the same boat as I was when I was before i fell asleep. I don't know but whatever shit happens right?
I'm going to end this for now, so that way I have a reason to write another blog and maybe you will be back to read the next. To all of those who read this and feel angry or upset at me or wonder why I don't say anything. It's not your fault, it's just the way I grew up and i can't change it and I won't change it. You might ask me after this if I am truly ok. And I will say "yup I'm fine" and you will believe me because I won't say other wise.
Thank you everyone for your time. And remember it will cost you another 25 cents to play again ^^.
